It's been 7 long years and here I am. I didn't post on year 6. I just didn't feel the call, not to mention I heard his voice in my head saying quit dwelling and go do something else with your day... so I did. Junior totally hated dwelling lol. But 7 is my favorite number. 7 is a number of completion and today THIS post is about me, because I feel called to speak.
So when my late husband took his last breath on this day 7 years ago, I was someone I can hardly recognize today. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There was nothing wrong with me then and there is nothing wrong with me today. Just different. I will say, that the me today has a hellava lot more gumption and I love it.
Over the last seven years I have found old parts of me I hadn't realized were dormant and new parts I've wanted to incorporate. And then there were the parts of me that have been consistent since birth (like that mean side eye lol).
The one thing that has really contributed to my growth is honesty. Being honest with myself mostly. Allowing myself to feel how I feel without judging or trying to avoid or change the feelings. Allowing myself to admit things that maybe I don't think are so flattering, cause like whatever, if you don't like it you can go on somewhere. Finding the courage to speak my truth, always, even when it feels unbearable. Just ripping off the damn Band-Aid and doing it!
Opening myself up to the reality of what IS, instead of what I wish it would be. Accepting that if I am not willing to face the "bad" I won't ever truly be open enough to fully enjoy all this good stuff. We have no control over the events of this life. Things we label good and bad are inevitable and the only thing we can control is our perception of it and our response.
When I decided I was going stop looking over my shoulder and stop allowing my anxiety to literally rule me day after day I managed to find some peace and space to breathe. This is a daily process not something you just magically get over some day and then everything is just fine. In this life happiness takes work, as does sadness and anger and every other emotion.
We feed our emotions and help give them life. I spent years feeding my anxiety, anxiety that was already there but heightened by Junior's battle with cancer and his death. The scars those battles left behind may never fully heal, cause that time heals all things saying is just plain trash. BUT time does help you gain perspective. With time you find ways to cope and find new ways to live again, if you so choose.
So today, once again I am choosing life. Today I'm going to my dance class to act a fool with my friends. Finish up some products I will then post incessantly about (you've been warned) and hangout with Nick and the boys. Today I will do what feels good to me, which is also what Junior would have wanted.
Feel free to share this post if you feel anyone can benefit from these words.
Ya'll have an amazing beautiful day! 💖